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Young Child Discipline - Divorce Stress
Question : I am in the midst of a divorce which is not amicable even with respect to our age 3 1/2 daughter. I have been trying to juggle understanding and acknowledging her feelings and confusion, as well as what seems to be anger when she comes back from visitation with her dad, and discipline.
There are times when she is whiny, talks back to me, and throws tantrums, and does not show respect towards me and others when she is wonderful. My mother stated that she was behaving like a spoiled brat.
I was wondering if you had suggestions of a way to release her feelings like at a teddy or something instead of me, and how to get back on track with disciplining consistently. I know I can't give in but there are times when there are so many things going on too.
I have been wanting to take her to a child counselor but when I consulted one, I was told it was better to wait until after things were settled.
Also, do you have ideas to combat the other parent's badmouthing and putting untrue ideas in her head?? thank you.
Answer: Your daughter is going through a very difficult and confusing time. She may seem to understand that her parents don't get along, and live in seperate homes, but she can not express or understand any of the emotions she is feeling. As you have noticed, she has been using a lot of attention getting, inappropriate behaviors, as a means of communicating the confusion, anger, and possibly guilt, that she must be feeling, but lacks the vocabulary to vocalize effectively.
It's important to be consistant with her at all times, when it comes to setting limits and following rules. She still needs you to be her mom, and be told what is appropriate behavior and what is not acceptable, for example, "I can see that you are angry with me right now, but it is not okay for you to talk to me so rudely". At the same time, your daughter desperately needs a way to express her emotions, and release some of the stress or anxiety she must be feeling, during this tramatizing time for a 3 year old.
I suggest you try to spend as much quality time as possible with her. Set up a make believe house area using puppets or dolls. Have her be the little "girl", and you be the "mommy" doll. Ask her to lead the story line and where you should position each of the dolls.
Maybe, with a little bit of coaxing, she will use this opportunity as a way of expressing herself, and her thoughts, through the pretend play. If it doesn't work the first time, or she doesn't seem to open up too much, try the role-play with another adult that she seems comfortable with, for example a grand-mother.
Try to really acknowledge any of the feelings that she does express, for example, "You must have felt sad when..." or " That must have hurt your feelings when..." By listening, and providing some feeling words for your 3 year old to use, and by spending a lot of quality one on one time, where you are opening up the communication lines for anything she might want to share, you will help her start her healing proccess of the break up, of what she knew as her family.
As for her father badmouthing you, it's very very unfortunate and so sad that he does not have better judgement, but you can't control his poor behavior, since you cannot control what others say, no matter how harmful it is for the child to hear, it is best for you to focus on continuing to develop a strong and honest relationship with your daughter. With the passage of time, she will come to know her own truths about her father and her loving mother.
If you seek a counsellor, persist in finding a suitable one, that will meet your needs.
I wish you a healing road ahead!
M.C.
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I know it's difficult, and
I know it's difficult, and overwhelming at times. My heart goes out to you, as I know how trying children can be under the best of relationship circumstances...not to mention during the worst times.
Remember that your world has been thrown into chaos just as hers has been. Firsthand, I know well how impossible it seems at times to focus on "Mommy's mental health" and I also know how vitally important it is to extra-emphasize maintaining your own mental health, as that will give your little one a rock to lean on in this turbulent time.
As for waiting till "things have settled" to find a counselor, bull pockey. In my opinion, she can benefit just as much as you can from a counselor now - who will help her (and you) with this transition. The role play idea is a good one - and I've seen it used by child counselors as they get information from the child about how they're viewing their world.
I too, wish you healing.
Peace,
SB
It depends who divorces who ...
When husbands divorce their wives, the children don't suffer nearly as much, because the ex-husband doesn't need to get revenge, by emotional damage to his children.
Men naturally try to destroy the bloodline of a rebellious wife. Emotional damage to children is legal, making loss of liberty a non-issue. But, the emotional damage done by ex-husbands, to their own children, as a means to secure vengeance against a rebellious woman frequently causes suicide later on.
Fathers either want to be married to the mothers of their children, or be free to start over. Court ordered child support forces a man to abet a rebellious wife. To get even, he takes the money it costs him out of the emotional hides of his children.
Mothers don't understand this. It's almost unthinkable. But it's true. Divorce neuters a man, because he has no say. He's defeated by the courts before he begins.
Wives that divorce their husbands are blind to many things. When we leave, we are positive our problems are due to our husbands. After a few years, their problems are gone, and ours are worse than ever.
I was fortunate, in that my husband explained to me: my blaming him for my problems, and I had moved out by this time, was due to my use of birth control, because I wasn't bearing the fruit a married woman naturally bears.
All of a sudden I fell to my knees, put my palms on his thighs, and started sobbing. I confessed my sins to him; all of them. I hadn't been using my body in a way pleasing to God, and I was blaming my husband.
As far as hiring a counselor for your daughter, that's like trying to put a piece of china together after it's been broken. You can do it, but it it's never like new.
Your ex can keep doing what he's doing, and the court gives him this right. Emotionally damaged children grow up and get their own divorces. Lawyers, judges, social workers, and court personnel need divorce to be a self sustaining industry, or they'll be out of their jobs.
Divorce is a big money business, but only if the flame of vengeance between divorced couples can be kept lit, and only if each divorce produces emotionally compromised children, who can become future divorcees and ex-husbands.
confusion over settlement
we are near settling. how do i know if it is really a fair settlement? my soon to be exhusband wants to pay one installment up front and a second later on? should i settle for less up front? or should i settle for more, with two payments?
Some great resources for you
There are some great articles on this subject here:
http://www.stepitupqueen.com/blog/index.php/2008/09/common-behavior-of-children-after-divorce-part-1/
and here
http://www.stepitupqueen.com/blog/index.php/2008/09/common-behavior-of-children-after-divorce-part-2/
you might also want to check these out:
www.stopmarryingmistakes.com
and
http://www.stopmarryingmistakes.com/thrive/index.php?aid=melissa-johnson
Children in the Middle of Divorce
Without realizing it, we place our children in the middle of the divorce. I know. I've been there. We involve them with financial issues, have them spy for us, and communicate with the person we're wanting to divorce. This puts a lot of stress on the children that wasn't there before. Check out my first YouTube for a resource to dealing with your childrens stress -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJfX3m3v-c4
It was helpful to me, even after the divorce and I wish I would have found it earlier in the process. Best wishes - Sheila Troy
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