As the divorce rate grows high and higher, divorce is becoming more popular in surprising demographics – namely older couples with 15+ years of marriage and grown children. Unfortunately, the children in these situations are often overlooked. Most divorce research deals with addressing young children who may have trouble making sense of the situation due to their lack of life experience. Here are a few steps for coping as an adult child of divorce:
One of the hardest parts of coping with divorce as an adult child is questioning the memories you have of your parent's relationship and your childhood. You may find yourself going over memories of your past, wondering whether your parents were really happy, or if they were already considering divorce at that point. If your relationship with one or both of your parents is strong enough, you might try asking them to explain when they first decided to divorce. It may be hard to hear, but it will stop the constant stream of questions running through your mind.
Interestingly enough, adult children may find themselves going through one of the classic behaviors typically identified in younger children – attempting to get the parents back together again. If you're an older child still living at home, you may find yourself setting up “chance” encounters for your parents or discouraging behaviors you believe led to the divorce. Don't worry too much about this – over time, this should pass naturally as you begin to accept the reality of your parent's situation.
As your parents go through a divorce, you'll surely notice that your relationships with them are changing. It can be difficult to see your parents going through the petty bickering and posturing that are all too common in a divorce. You may suddenly see your parents in a new light – one that isn't necessarily flattering. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to remember that this is a challenging time for your parents and that we all deal with stressful situations in different ways. Just be careful not to let yourself get caught in the middle!
Finally, don't automatically rule out seeking the advice of a professional therapist or psychologist. Seeing a “shrink” has a certain stigma in our society, but sharing your feelings with a neutral third-party can be extremely helpful when your parents are going through a divorce. Watching your parents divorce can be difficult, especially if one of your parents was the one you turned to for guidance and advice. A therapist can help you sort through these feelings in a safe environment when you feel like you have no where else to go.
Watching your parents divorce is difficult at any age – but the problems faced by adult children of divorce are often overlooked in comparison to those of younger children. Coping with this situation is extremely difficult, as it may shatter many of the beliefs you previously held about your parents. You'll get through it, but don't be afraid to seek professional help when necessary to cope with some of the stress you'll encounter in this situation.
