Explaining separation to children is difficult and dealing with the aftermath is even harder. However, there are 5 pitfalls, in particular, that you can avoid during this process.
- Do not engage in open chronic conflict in front of children. It is frightening for children to hear their parents yelling in an uncontrolled fashion, in their presence. Exercise restraint and keep your temper controlled. If the other partner cannot control their own temper, advise them that your conversation will continue at a different time and place, and walk away.
- Try not to speak in a negative way about the other parent to your children, or when children can overhear you. Likewise, try not to discourage them from wanting to see or spend time with the other parent. This can be difficult, again, restraint is key. Note as wlel that children can pick up on your "cues", so if you're quite when your former spouse calls the children but you're rolling your eyes and slamming doors, the children will get the message. They may even take the side of the "distant spouse".
- Do not try to convince the child(ren) that you are the 'good' or 'fun' parent by letting them get away with things, buying them presents, letting them stay up as late as they want, allowing them to do things you did not allow before, etc.. One of the most important roles for children to survive divorce with the least amount of injury is to have loving and consistent parents in both households. However, you can only control your own actions. If your former partner insists on letting the child(ren) do whatever they want at his house, then so be it. Maintain your own schedule and house rules. If the children are old enough to understand, explain to them the purpose for your rules (ie. he/she has to go to sleep at 8 p.m. so they can get up in the morning early and be awake and alert for school and after-school activities; he/she can't have six cookies because this will cause a stomache).
- Do not make promises you can't or won't keep. Do not promise to take a child to an event on Saturday morning and then forget it or change your mind.
- Be honest and up front, taking into consideration the capacity of the child to understand the information presented. Having said this, you don't need to provide details that your child doesn't need. For example, you do not need to explain to your children that daddy is no longer around because he had an affair with the sleazy lady across the street. This detail doesn't serve any purpose, and it's harmful. It is, however, okay to acknowledge to your children that the process is difficult for all of you, but at the same time, reassure them that you love them, and everything will settle down and life will continue. Try to focus, as a family, on the positives that you have, and express appreciation. It will help to take the attention off the adversity.
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